it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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