Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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