In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
