I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
