you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
