My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
