you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
