I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I deserve this hangover.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
