you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
