I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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