Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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