I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
