I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
