if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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