I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
