Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
