I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just want nice things and good sex
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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