Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
