Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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