No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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