and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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