mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
