4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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