I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
