you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
my god I love twenty year old dicks
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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