drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
