If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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