Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
