We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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