Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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