My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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