his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
