I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
