Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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