yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
