She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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