Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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