I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
