I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
