Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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