It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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