I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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