I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
