did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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