I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
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