You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
