Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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