some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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