epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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