dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i think my mom watched the whole time
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
